Suicidal Thoughts

Suicidal thoughts are an area which is often taboo or a hidden side of mental health. Those who don’t suffer from mental health problems may not understand how large a part it can play in your life and how even the brightest days can have the darkest thoughts.

I think about suicide daily. Thats something I’ve come to accept and it’s become a dark part of my day more often than not. Sometimes it’s just a brief moment, sometimes it’s detailed, almost as if I were planning to do it. I must make it clear here, it’s not something which I intend to follow through with in my current mental state but the thought is still there.

With these thoughts, there are a lot of emotions which go with them, sorrow, guilt, sadness are just a few. Guilt is one of the more prominent ones I deal with. I’ll provide an example for you...

A couple of weeks ago, we had a lovely day out at Auchmithie, a beautiful rock and pebble beach surrounded by high, sandstone cliffs. We went to look in the rock pools for crabs and little fish... we didn’t find much! We were having a great afternoon, looking in caves, walking around the old harbour ruins, looking in the pools but out of nowhere I started having those thoughts. I looked up at the cliffs and then at the rocky beach below and thought “that would do the job”. It was an intrusive thought, not something i chose to think but something which popped into my head.

I thought about if for a moment or two, how to get to the part of the cliffs I was seeing, how it would be “best” to do it, could I simply jump or would a run be required to clear the ledge below. That’s the thing about contemplating suicide or suicidal thoughts... we don’t want it to hurt, we want it to be swift, painless and final.

When the thought trails off and you snap back into the now, that’s when the guilt often comes. For me it tends to be family focussed. I think about my wife and kids, the effect it would have on them, how they would cope without me etc. I feel bad for even considering it but as I’ve said, it’s intrusive, it’s not a choice and I think that part is grossly misunderstood. Those of us with these thoughts don’t choose to think about jumping off a cliff, taking an overdose or any of the other 101 ways to do it. It’s just there.

I think it’s important to bear that in mind if you have these thoughts or if you care about someone who does... it’s not deliberate, it’s not something they/we choose to do, its just something that’s there And often at the worst possible or least expected times.

If you have these thoughts, you’re not alone, you’re not ”weird” or a “freak”... it’s just a factor or a symptom of mental ill health. It’s important to be honest about these thoughts though, particularly with a GP, Counsellor or Psychologist. If you’re a friend, family member or partner of someone with these thoughts, the important thing is to not add to the guilt, to be honest but not patronising or to seem like you’re judging... we judge ourselves for these thoughts every day, support and reassurance goes a long way.

As always, my door is open, my phone is on, my emails are available... if you need a chat, get in touch.